Why Do We Keep Performing Roles We Never Agreed To?

Do you ever feel like you cannot differentiate between who you are and the role you play? The employee, the parent, the partner, the caregiver, the daughter? It’s funny how our identity gets fused with what we provide or do. Then, when we describe ourselves, we say, “This is who I am.”

We get into these roles quite early on. As relational beings, it is hard for us to imagine who we are if we are not related to something, whether that is a person, a profession, or a passion. However, while some of these roles are a choice, others are enforced on us. At Self Pivot, we look closely at how these invisible expectations impact our daily well-being. 

The Audition We Never Signed Up For

But what happens when you start to feel conflicted about those roles? What happens when they come at the cost of your wellbeing, or when they do not account for what you can actually sustain? What happens when we are tied down and constrained by the situations we are put into? The moment you do anything that shifts away from the demands of a certain role, you start feeling guilty, as if you don’t have permission to make a different choice.

One would say, “So what? Just step out of that role.” But why is it so difficult? Why is it so hard to see yourself beyond them?

One important question that can help resolve this mystery is to ask ourselves: How is this role serving me? How is this role protecting me?

To give an example, if you were always loved because you were the responsible child, and you were accepted because you did certain things, not keeping up with that standard might mean losing that approval. It might mean facing criticism. On the flip side, this same need for protection shows up in our adult lives too, like when you are stuck in a relationship even when you know it’s not healthy for you. It still protects you from the risk of heartbreak. It might protect you from the painstaking search for a new relationship.

How Performing Roles Lead to Emotional Exhaustion

The truth is, there is a part of you that doesn’t want to leave that role. It’s not completely your doing. Often, the way we are conditioned and loved is based on meeting certain eligibility criteria: show what you can offer, and then you will get a reward.

So, coming out of that pattern doesn’t just mean losing out on the rewards. It also means breaking a pattern, finding a new way to look at things, making different choices, and redefining what love, relationships, and your own standards mean. None of that is easy.

Being authentic sometimes comes with a cost. That cost involves facing difficult emotions, guilt, fear, heartbreak, and relationship ruptures. It could involve financial hardship when the role is associated with a job, or facing unpredictability and a loss of control, which we all know is a difficult task for us as humans. Many people pleasing therapy clients often unpack this as a direct path to deep emotional exhaustion.

Finding a Good Mental Health Community in India to Drop the Act

But the good news is, you are not the only one, and there are people who can help you process these experiences. Working with a dedicated therapist in India can help you find someone who holds space for you even when you fall short of playing a role, and who celebrates not what you provide, but what makes you feel safe.

Often, we stop and compromise because the journey seems very long and difficult. In those moments, we aren’t able to see the rewards that come with looking beyond those roles. Meanwhile, the rewards of sticking to the manual are clearly visible. They keep you fulfilled for a short period of time, until the chase begins again.

Start with a simple exercise today: when you describe yourself, try to describe who you are beyond the roles you play, and let’s see what that reveals to you.

Unpack This With Us Live

In dance movement therapy, we explore different possibilities and different directions through movement. We don’t just talk about making different choices; we move through them.

Unlearning the roles we’ve been forced into isn’t something you have to do in isolation. If this piece stirred up things you’re tired of carrying alone, our mental health community india platform holds an active space where you can drop the performance entirely.

Come catch a glimpse of it in our The Way We Move workshop, where we explore what it is like to not be confined or told what you should do. Come explore the unique ideas that spill through your body.

Happening online this Sunday, 14th of June.

• Step 1: [Click here to RSVP & grab your link for the live workshop]
• Step 2: [Join the Tribe on Whatsapp] to connect with our everyday mental health community, where the performance is low and you never have to miss out on a future event!